Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
