Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
