i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
