I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
