My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
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