fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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