I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
