last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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