You're my little dorito
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
