your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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