Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
This toilet bowl is my home.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
