I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
