My hand turned me down
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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