guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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