How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
