Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I look better un-naked...
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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