Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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