Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
