she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
