just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
