You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize