I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
