you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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