I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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