last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
