just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize