She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
