i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
