she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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