Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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