I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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