Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
