you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize