it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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