I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
