my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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