Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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