You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
