And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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