Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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