I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
