omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She's the barista slut.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
