did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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