I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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