matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
