eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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