Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize