It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
