I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You took a bar mat shot.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize