I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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