I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
