i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
