She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
