ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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