Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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