Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
