When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
