What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
