My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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