hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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