I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The ass gains better be worth it
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