he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
