Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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