Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
