so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
