who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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