how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
how drunk are you?
Several
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
