And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
